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July 25th, 2013

Looking Back: FESS Era, 2005

For some reason, crossposting between DW and LJ seems to be busted. Oh well; I guess I might as well actually post something manually here for the first time in... God, I don't know how long. However, enjoy it while it lasts, because I'm very close to putting this account to pasture for good. This is for the one or two people who refuse to move over, basically.

So, long story short, I was asked to give some advice on a Serenes Forest issue that Josh had been having some problems with, and I had to look back for some examples of similar behaviour; to summarize, this reminded me of what was the Ramza Lateralus incident. So while looking for that before Josh remembered his name, I had a chance to check out some other posts from around that era.

In two words: man alive!

The period of time I checked out is around February of 2005. For reference:

- The three FESS admins were myself, Shawn (I forget what he was calling himself; I think he was still Eaichu, but might have become Kirbymasterchef), and Jet Enduro. Yeah, we're talking Golden Years.

- I was dating Cammy at the time. This is just before I went on my trip to Canada. Ironically, I was not getting along well with Rosa/Kate in most of these entries. Keep this in mind going forward.

- Staff members (at the time) included Liz, Rosa Aquafire, Summerwolf, Samantha was also a mod then, Tiburcio, and I think Togie was, too.

- I was going to school at Porter and Chester at the time. I had also already suffered my really big concussion by this point, and was well in the throes of Post Concussion Syndrome.

Looking back, it's awkward. I remember everything, as it happened, and yet, it feels like I'm looking through a one-way mirror into someone else's life; that's how much I, and those around me for the most part, have changed in eight years.

I'll just bullet point the things that stand out to me.

* I am literally unsure of how anyone enjoyed my presence back then. To put it simply: I was a vulgar, insensitive, bullying prick. Maybe this is me being too hard on myself, but I really carried myself in these entries like my opinions mattered because fuck you I'm Superbus. Granted, I can be all of those things at some time or another, and those tendencies have been severely blunted due to age and experience, but man alive, either this was a really rough time for me or I really was a douchebag. Was I really so intolerable? How the hell were most of you friends with me back then?

* Then again, looking at the subject of these entries, maybe I can see where the frustration came from. Simply put, 99% of us were really, really drama whores back in those days. Everythinw as drama. FESS drama, LJ drama, Kate being Kate drama, you name it.

* Speaking of Kate, I read her comments and the like, and wonder how I was friends with this person in the first place. Tremendous emowhore? Check. Self-pitying to get attention? Check. Pulling the "I don't care" routine in the middle of a five paragraph comment? Check. Basically, it hits all of the checkmarks for someone I wouldn't associate with today. I know she was wonderful when she came into our lives, but I really do have to wonder if my known weakness for redheads with nice breasts was that pronounced back then.

I've always said that going to see her for that time in New Brunswick was a mistake, but looking back, I honestly don't know what I was thinking to begin with, notwithstanding all of the blowback.

* I used to make a big deal out of announcing LJ friend cuts back then, even telling certain people that they were at risk of being cut. Holy shit, I actually did this? Bartender, make this one a double. I need to wipe my mental hard drive.

* When we weren't being overly dramatic teenagers - even the adults - things were funny. I had a few legitimate laugh out loud moments reading some of these. Remember "uNF"? That was big back then. The comment threads between myself, Cammy, and Jet in particular (I say "Jet" because I'm honestly not sure his name is "Colin", or ever was) were epic.

* Holy shit, a Fachiki sighting. You know what? I never did crack that nut. I am under the assumption, years later, that 99% of what she said to me was a lie.

* We all grow as writers as we age and do it more. However, back then... I've always typed the way I speak, for the most part (though professional writing has broken me of that habit), but even I'm amazed at how many times I said the word "fuck".

* Livejournal STILL HAS THOSE VOICE POSTS. Seriously, I am able to listen to voice posts I made on my way to New Brunswick.

* What stands out the most to me is that ultimately, thinking back a day later, these things that I look back on and go "man, I don't know what was so important about that", in all honesty, were important when discussing my development as a person, as an adult, as a leader, and as someone who interacts with people. Older people tend to talk about the things that teenagers do as if they're useless and those kids just don't know what they're talking about; to them, human beings are fundamentally incomplete until they're buried in the same shitty 9-5 job that they themselves loathe. But in truth, the whole beauty of being young is that they don't know what they're doing. We look upon a kindergartner constructing castles in a sand box and imagine them becoming an architect; why do we regard the teenager or the 20-something who draws all day, or plays in a small-time band, as someone who's only putting off the inevitability of growing up like a modern day Peter Pan, instead of someone desperately trying to chase their dream, the way Americans are supposed to? At 33, I regard the things that I - we - did back then as things that I would not engage in now, but at 24 going on 25, they were critical to me being the person I am now. I can only hope that I look back on today's events in 2023 and say "wow, I was an idiot then, and thank God for that." I'd hate to think that at 33, I've already peaked.