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I did a rare thing in Stacy's LJ, on a challenge:

I wrote a drabble.

Now, I'm not an author, and I don't really have the patience to be one; I write when it comes to me, and when it does, it FLOWS; I know I'm good. But forcing myself to write usually takes a disasterous turn.

But this time, it just hit me to try it, especially since it was one of those "post an anonymous drabble/part of a story, and I'll guess who you are!" memes. That's a great one for me, since... I've never written fanfic, save my one chapter of "The Diary of Bartre".

But everyone I showed it to said it was good. So I figured, fuck it. I'll open it up here, since I can't post it on FESS, being non-FE fandom and all.


She felt like she was finally about to break down.

Her last few months were more than any normal person could take: sucked into a strange world, losing her best friend, unwittingly becoming the only source of hope to a group of people, therefore being forced to fight a war against said best friend... normal 15 year old girls can't handle that. However, Miaka was no normal 15 year old girl, a fact that was surprising to even herself, considering her cardboard-cutout, high school student existance to that point. She had handled the problems of her current situations with class unbecoming the stature of the person involved.

Still, every now and then, stresses conspire to break a person. And Miaka was getting very close to the line.

Try as she might to hide it, such depression tends to seep, unknowingly and unseen, out of a person's pores, and the rest of the Suzaku Seven soon figured out that something was amiss. She went into the main banquet hall, and was greated to a feast of epic proportions... even moreso than she was used to. Hotohori stood there, smiling, stating simply that a good meal might be a good thing for her health, failing at concealing the feelings of love that went into such an action.

Despite her feelings that it wouldn't change a thing; Miaka felt it would be insulting not to try. She sat down an enjoyed a meal befitting the Priestess, though not as voraciously as usual. After finishing, still feeling morose, she thanked her host, and left the hall.

Now feeling more depressed than ever after the failed attempt of the Emperor to brighten her up, she decided to turn in for the night, hoping to avoid breaking down before getting to her room. Thankfully, she was distracted... by a punch to her arm. A hard one, too.

After recoiling from the pain, she saw that the offender was Nuriko. After admonishing him, Nuriko coyly responded that he didn't know his own strength. She tried to be lively and jovial, figuring some jokes - and some borderline inappropriate comments about Hotohori - would cheer her up. Miaka played the good soldier, and laughed along, though everyone involved knew deep down that it was a sham. Soon after, Nuriko left, leaving Miaka alone again.

Having made it back to her quarters, Miaka finally felt that she could break down. She thought that no one should have to endure what she had, she hated that she had to hide her emotions from people that really only wanted the best for her, she hated fighting Yui, she thought...

She thought she saw a note for her on her pillow.

Sniffling away the start of a crying binge, she picked up the note. She recognised the handwriting once she unfolded it... but not before a liliac dropped from the inside of the folds.

In clear, concise characters, the message was simple:

"I love you. Love, Tamahome"

All of a sudden... Miaka no longer felt depressed.

EDIT: Does anyone have any actual... crit? I've heard ONE tiny thing so far (other than a typo, which I'm fixing now), other than that, nothing. Samuraiter? Anyone? XD


( 10 comments — Leave a comment )
Jul. 19th, 2006 10:54 pm (UTC)
...For someone who doesn't do fanfiction, you're a hell of a writer.
Jul. 19th, 2006 10:56 pm (UTC)
Another note:

I thought of this at 9AM. I had it posted by 11AM. WHILE working.
Jul. 20th, 2006 12:12 am (UTC)
Hmm... Was the "typo to fix" "liliac" to "lilac," or was it the missing d in the word "and" in the sentence that begins with, "She sat down and enjoyed a meal"?

Perhaps "showing" the conversation between Nuriko and Miaka would be better than simply summarizing it?

I know I didn't say much earlier, but I've read it over again. It's kind of hard to come up with something to say. It really does just flow right out of you when you're on a roll. ^_^
Jul. 20th, 2006 07:21 pm (UTC)
I didn't show the convo between Nuriko and Miaka for a reason: other than the note from Tamahome, I felt that the story would be better told in the third person; think of it as an observation from an invisible man that saw the whole thing unfold, and is very perceptive. I felt it would break flow and style too much by including quoted conversation.
Jul. 21st, 2006 02:00 am (UTC)
Ah, okay. ^_^
Jul. 20th, 2006 01:11 am (UTC)
Damn. I meant what I said earlier-- you really should write more. ♥
Jul. 20th, 2006 01:33 am (UTC)
Jul. 20th, 2006 03:01 am (UTC)
I think I'm too shocked that you actually wrote something to really critique.

But.. it seems good. XD;
Jul. 20th, 2006 10:32 pm (UTC)
I'll nail it after dinner. :-) Fortunately for you, chief, I'm a bit of an FY fan.
Jul. 20th, 2006 11:14 pm (UTC)
All right, here comes the (usual) Samuraiter dump truck of corrective doom.

1.) "... said best friend; normal 15-year-old girls ..." Change your ellipsis to a semicolon, then insert hyphens in '15-year-old'.

2.) "... no normal 15-year-old girl ..." Ditto on the hyphens.

3.) "... conspire to break a person, and Miaka ..." Do not start a sentence with 'and'. Use a comma to join the sentences.

4.) "... epic proportions, even more so ..." Change your ellipsis to a comma. Changing 'moreso' to 'more so' is optional, but, IMO, seems like the better choice for the context.

5.) "... change a thing, Miaka felt ..." Change your semicolon to a comma.

6.) "... sat down and enjoyed a meal ..." Change 'an' to 'and'.

7.) "... thanked her host and left the hall." The comma is not incorrect, but I would remove it to improve the flow of the sentence.

8.) "Feeling more depressed ..." Remove 'Now' from the sentence. The word belongs to the present tense.

9.) "A hard one, too." While this is technically not correct, it does work in this context. I would personally add "It was" to the beginning of the phrase to make it a true sentence, but that is purely optional.

10.) "... good soldier and laughed along ..." Remove the comma to improve the flow of the sentence.

11.) "... involved knew, deep down, that it ..." Put commas around 'deep down' because it is an appositive.

12.) "... finally felt that she could break down." IMO, you might want to find a different way to say this, since it is basically the same sentence that you use to start the 'fic.

13.) "... fighting Yui, she thought --" Change your ellipsis to a dash / double hyphen to indicate the forthcoming interruption.

14.) "... unfolded it, but not before ..." Change your ellipsis to a comma.

15.) "... a sudden, Miaka no longer ..." Change your ellipsis to a comma.

There you go. :-) I have no issues with the actual content, and I think there is just enough 'sweet' there for the drabble to come off just right. Well done, 'Bus.
( 10 comments — Leave a comment )


Mr. Met
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