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I can see the headline now...

GRAPEVINE, TX - Videogame conglomerate Gamestop (GME, NYSE) is rebounding from what was described by a Gamestop spokesperson as a "rabid, hostile takeover attempt" at multiple stores overnight, in response to a trailer shown at the Consumer Electronics Show in Las Vegas.

Game maker Namco Bandai played a trailer of their upcoming game Soul Calibur 4 at the "CES", in which it was shown that two unlockable "secret" characters would be Star Wars stalwarts Darth Vader and Yoda, and the trailer ended up making it's way around the internet, via websites gametrailers.com and Google's youtube.com.

Within minutes, frantic Star Wars around the country stormed to affiliated Gamestop and EB Games stores, demanding to preorder the game. When told by outgoing clerks that the stores closed at 9PM local time, gamers started to turn hostile.

"At that point, a few people decided to break through the glass of multiple stores, and even attacked the clerks with old XBox controllers and copies of Sneak King", said a Gamestop spokesperson. "It happened at so many stores around the country, simultaneously, that one would think initially that there was some preorganization". The clerks themselves - most of them still in High School - were ill-equipped to handle the onslaught, with one even reported to be curled up in a corner with a copy of Nintendo DS hit Pokemon: Diamond, "sucking his thumb like a baby and muttering that he wanted to go home", according to AP sources.

The miniature riots died down before police got to the scenes in most cases, as most of the gamers had become too winded to continue their spontaneous attack, due to questionable physical fitness. The perpetrators could be heard wheezing and coughing as they were being led out to waiting police cars, muttering things like "that was almost like gym class" and "Wii Sports didn't prepare me for that!".

Though Gamestop will have to pay thousands of dollars to repair damage to their stores and replace manpower lost due to workers quitting because of the incident, the spokesperson was almost jovial in light of circumstances. "Oh, this is a great day for our company! This just shows the commitment that our core audience is willing to go to acquire the brands that they appreciate", and she did also note that high ranking executives and shareholders were in an emergency meeting to determine the best way to exploit the news with preorder deals.

Still, the spokesperson's tone sombered when she thought about what could have been. "Thank goodness they only used XBox controllers", she stated. "Those old controllers are dangerous enough as it is due to sheer size, though if they'd have used the actual systems, assuming they had the fitness to carry them... things could have been much, much worse, even fatal..."

EDIT: OK, this whole "one character per system" shit is fucking gay, and I disapprove of putting Darth Vader exclusively on a piece of shit system like the PS3.


Jan. 11th, 2008 01:32 am (UTC)

Is any of this serious, or is EGM doing their retarded April Fool's joke early this year?
Jan. 11th, 2008 01:33 am (UTC)
I wrote that. XD
Jan. 11th, 2008 01:49 am (UTC)
Okay, I figured that, but is SC4 really getting any exclusive characters? I'm a little confused.
Jan. 11th, 2008 02:01 am (UTC)
The official Namco trailer showed that Darth Vader is exclusive to the PS3 version, and Yoda is in the 360 version.